Social Development and “Immaturity” in Autism
Autistic individuals are often described as socially immature or as lagging years behind their neurotypical peers in social development. This perception stems from observable differences in how autistic people socialize, regulate emotions, and reach developmental milestones. From the neuroscience of brain development to psychological theories and first-person accounts, a complex picture emerges. This report examines why autistic people may be seen as socially younger than their age, considering factors such as social cognition, executive functioning, emotional regulation, theory of mind, masking (camouflaging), trauma, and cultural expectations. We explore these differences across the autism spectrum – from high-masking individuals to those with higher support needs – and across the lifespan, from childhood into adulthood.
Neurological and Developmental Factors in Social Maturation
Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition, meaning the brain develops in atypical ways that affect social and cognitive growth. Neuroscience research has found that autistic brains often mature more slowly or differently in areas related to social interaction. For example, a study of adolescents with autism found their brain networks were “less mature, less efficient and less specialized” compared to typical teens, even into later adolescence . In particular, two major brain networks were overly connected in autistic teens, a sign of delayed specialization that correlated with social symptoms . This delayed neural maturation may underlie observable social delays: as one neuroscientist explained, the “delayed maturation can explain the behavioral symptoms” seen in autism .
Other neurological findings support the idea of developmental lag in autism. Some studies report excess connectivity and reduced pruning (the normal trimming of neural circuits) in autistic brains, which may indicate an immaturity of neural networks into childhood and adolescence . In practice, this could mean the “social brain” – regions involved in understanding others (like the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and temporal lobes) – develops on a different timeline in autism. Autism-related genes have also been linked to producing more immature neurons during brain development , suggesting a biological basis for slower social and cognitive milestones. In essence, the autistic brain may process social information using circuits that resemble those of a younger person, contributing to the impression of social immaturity.
It’s important to note that autistic development is often uneven. Autistic people might be delayed in social-emotional skills but advanced in other areas. One autistic adult described being “developmentally behind my same-age peers in some ways” yet “in front of them in others,” calling it a “weird mixture of backwards and forwards at the same time” . This uneven profile is common – for instance, an autistic child might have the math or reading ability of someone years older, yet the play skills or emotional self-control of someone much younger. Such asynchrony can magnify perceptions of immaturity, as neurotypical expectations assume more uniform development across domains.
Social Cognition and Theory of Mind Differences
Many of the social delays in autism are rooted in social-cognitive differences – that is, how autistic individuals perceive, interpret, and respond to social information. A key concept in autism research is Theory of Mind (ToM): the ability to infer others’ thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Neurotypical children typically start developing ToM in early childhood (around age 4–5 they can pass simple false-belief tests), which supports more mature social interaction . Autistic children, in contrast, often develop ToM abilities later or unevenly, which can make their social behavior seem naive or out-of-step for their age. One study found that children on the autism spectrum (aged 4–12) performed worse than even younger neurotypical children on ToM tasks and on ratings of social maturity . Notably, autistic kids were rated by teachers as socially and emotionally behind their age – in fact, children with autism scored below age-matched peers (and even younger typical children) in both theory of mind and social maturity measures . This means an autistic 10-year-old might relate to peers more like a typical 5-year-old would, due to difficulty intuitively grasping others’ mental states or social rules.
Importantly, even autistic individuals with high intelligence (previously labeled “Asperger’s Syndrome” or high-functioning autism) can show this gap. In the same study, children with Asperger’s did fine on explicit ToM tests but still had poor social maturity for their age . In other words, they knew how to reason about others’ beliefs in theory, yet struggled with applying social understanding in real life interactions. This illustrates that social cognition is more than just intellectual ability – it’s also the spontaneous reading of social cues, body language, humor, sarcasm, and unwritten norms. Autistic people often have trouble in those intuitive aspects of socializing. They might take things literally, miss subtle cues like an eye-roll or tone of voice, or not instinctively mirror others’ behaviors. These challenges in reading and responding to social cues can cause them to appear socially awkward or “young” in their interactions. As adults, autistic individuals continue to score lower on social cognitive measures on average, and are often rated as having less normative social skills compared to non-autistic adults .
Another facet is social imagination – related to ToM – which involves imagining hypothetical social situations or outcomes. Autistic children may engage less in pretend play or role-play with peers, preferring routine or solitary play. This can give the impression in childhood that they are socially behind (for example, a 5-year-old autistic child might still parallel-play next to peers rather than cooperatively playing with them, something a much younger neurotypical toddler might do). Parents and clinicians often notice autistic kids appear indifferent to other children, prefer to play alone, or interact more with adults than with peers of their own age . While the desire for friendship may be present, the skills to achieve it lag behind, leading autistic children to relate differently than their age mates.
Crucially, these social-cognitive differences persist into later life stages if not addressed. Teens and adults on the spectrum might have difficulty with complex social networking, office politics, or understanding relationship nuances that neurotypicals handle by intuition. All of this can lead others to perceive an autistic individual as socially naive, gauche, or emotionally younger than they truly are. It’s not that autistic people never develop an understanding of others – many do, often through explicit learning and experience – but the timeline and manner of development often diverges from the norm.
Executive Function and Social Development
Beyond social cognition, executive functions play a major role in social maturity. Executive functions are the brain’s self-management skills – including planning, impulse control, organization, flexible thinking, and working memory. These functions gradually mature through childhood and adolescence as the frontal lobes develop. In autistic individuals, however, executive functioning often matures at a slower pace, contributing to behaviors that seem immature or irresponsible for one’s age. For instance, research on autistic teens has found that they “mature at a slower pace in executive skills”, struggling especially with flexibility, organization, task initiation, and working memory compared to typical peers . In day-to-day life, such challenges can manifest as an adolescent who can’t manage their schedule, loses track of assignments, or cannot easily adjust to changes – behaviors that might resemble a much younger child’s abilities.
These executive difficulties directly impact social life. Impulse control (an aspect of executive function) allows typical children by a certain age to refrain from blurting out rude comments, to wait their turn in conversation, or to consider consequences before acting. Autistic people – especially those also with ADHD-like symptoms – may have weaker impulse control, leading to socially “immature” behaviors like interrupting often, speaking bluntly, or having trouble taking turns. Likewise, cognitive flexibility is needed to smoothly switch topics or adapt to another person’s perspective; rigid thinking can make autistic individuals stick to their own interests or routines in a way that peers find childish or self-centered. Indeed, studies show that children with autism who have poorer executive functions (inhibition, shifting attention, emotional control) tend to have worse social skills and more social impairment . The gap between autistic youths and their peers in executive functioning actually widens during the teen years as neurotypical executive skills take off, leaving autistic teens further behind in managing the complexities of adolescent life .
Executive function also ties into adaptive life skills – practical tasks like self-care, decision-making, and independent living – which are often conflated with maturity. It’s common for autistic teenagers and young adults to remain dependent on parents or support in areas their peers handle alone (for example, keeping track of appointments, handling money, or driving). This can be partly due to executive function delays. As one neuropsychologist described, planning something as routine as a grocery trip involves multiple executive steps (initiating the task, making a list, being flexible with substitutions, inhibiting distractions, remembering items) – all areas where autistic individuals may lag behind . Struggling with these tasks at age 18 or 25 can make an autistic person appear irresponsible or child-like in the eyes of others. In reality, they may simply need more time and support to develop these skills. Research confirms that by adulthood, many autistic people – especially those without intellectual disability – do acquire improvements in daily living abilities, but often on a delayed trajectory . The path to functional independence is often longer, contributing to perceptions that an autistic 20-something is socially/emotionally more like a typical teenager.
Emotional Regulation and Perceived Maturity
Emotion regulation is another critical piece of social development where autistic people often differ. Emotional self-regulation refers to managing one’s emotional responses in an adaptive way (soothing oneself when upset, controlling anger, etc.). Neurotypical children gradually learn to regulate emotions with less external help – for example, a typical 10-year-old can usually calm themselves after a disappointment better than a 3-year-old can. Autistic individuals, however, frequently struggle with emotion regulation well beyond early childhood, leading to intense emotional outbursts or shutdowns that seem “immature” for their age .
A common example is the autistic “meltdown.” These are extreme emotional reactions to stress or sensory overload – crying, yelling, or even aggression – which outsiders might mistake for a toddler-like temper tantrum. In reality, a meltdown is involuntary and stems from being overwhelmed, not from willful misbehavior. Research notes that individuals with ASD often fail to employ adaptive coping strategies and instead react impulsively to emotional stimuli with tantrums, aggression, or self-injury . Such behaviors can easily be misinterpreted as defiant, bratty, or immature, when in fact they reflect a genuine difficulty in managing intense emotion . For instance, a neurotypical teen might feel angry but storm off to their room, whereas an autistic teen of the same age might have a screaming meltdown in the classroom – observers see the latter as acting “like a little kid,” even though the cause is neurological, not a lack of desire to behave well.
Studies consistently show autistic youth have more frequent and intense negative emotions, poorer self-calming skills, and often rely on others (parents, teachers) to help regulate their moods . One systematic review found that autistic children use a more limited range of coping strategies and lean more on others to soothe them, compared to typically developing children . This means an autistic pre-teen might still need the kind of comfort and support (hugs, distraction, step-by-step coaching to calm down) that a much younger child would need, simply because their internal regulation mechanisms lag behind. Such needs can persist into adulthood as anxiety and sensory sensitivities continue; many autistic adults report that they still experience emotional overwhelm that requires retreating to a safe space or getting support from a trusted person.
Emotion regulation difficulties also affect social perception: peers may see someone who cries easily, has sudden anger outbursts, or doesn’t recover quickly from small slights as being emotionally young or less mature. For example, difficulty handling frustration can impact jobs or relationships – a 30-year-old who has a panic attack or bursts into tears over a schedule change will likely be seen as less “grown-up” than their peers. Of course, these judgments are harsh, since the behaviors are not intentional. But in terms of societal expectations, controlling one’s emotions is a hallmark of adult maturity, and autistic people’s challenges in this area feed the stereotype that they are perpetually children on the inside.
It’s worth noting that emotional “immaturity” in autism is not total; often, autistic people feel deep emotions and empathy, but may express them differently. Some may show emotion in ways that neurotypicals misread (e.g. laughing when anxious, or not showing facial expressions even when they care). This mismatch can lead others to think the autistic individual has an inappropriate emotional response for their age or situation. In truth, autistic emotional life can be very complex, but the regulation and outward expression of it might not align with neurotypical norms.
Masking and Camouflaging of Social Difficulties
One complicating factor, especially for high-masking autistic individuals, is the phenomenon of social camouflaging (also known as masking). Autistic masking is the act of consciously or unconsciously suppressing one’s autistic traits and compensating for social difficulties in order to appear neurotypical . In effect, many autistic people learn scripts, mimic social behaviors, or hide behaviors (like stimming or expressing distress) to avoid standing out. On the surface, this can make an autistic person seem more socially mature or typical than they truly feel. They might get by in brief interactions by imitating peers’ slang, copying facial expressions or small talk, and rehearsing responses. However, masking does not equate to genuine social development; it’s more like an actor playing a role without internalizing the part.
Autistic individuals often begin masking in adolescence or even childhood to navigate school environments. For instance, a high-functioning autistic girl might carefully observe and imitate popular girls’ mannerisms to avoid being teased, even though she doesn’t intuitively understand why those behaviors work. This camouflaging can be partially successful – teachers and parents might see a seemingly well-adjusted teen – but it exacts a toll and hides ongoing social delays. In fact, those who mask extensively often still feel “decades behind” internally, even if outsiders don’t notice. They may experience great anxiety about not knowing the unwritten rules despite performing them. One autistic adult shared on a forum, “I was very naive and immature until reality contradicted my world-view,” noting that being quiet and shy sometimes hid how behind they felt socially . High-masking individuals often report an internal sense of being younger or out-of-sync with peers, despite outward appearances. There’s even a saying that many neurodivergent people “feel two-thirds their chronological age” in an emotional or social sense, capturing this internal lag.
Crucially, masking does not truly “fix” social developmental gaps; it merely covers them. An autistic person might behave appropriately in a structured setting but still be bewildered in unstructured or novel social situations that weren’t rehearsed. This can lead to moments where the “mask drops” – the person’s genuine social struggles surface (for example, during stress or when routines change), and then the contrast can appear strikingly immature. Moreover, camouflaging itself can stunt growth: if one is always faking it, they might not get the chance to authentically learn social-emotional skills or to have others accommodate their needs. It’s like treading water instead of learning to swim – one might avoid drowning socially, but isn’t moving forward in skill.
Another outcome of masking is exhaustion and mental health problems. Studies have found that camouflaging is associated with higher anxiety and depression in autistic adults . The effort of continuously performing socially and hiding one’s true self can lead to burnout, sometimes in the individual’s twenties or thirties. At that point, the person may no longer keep up the facade, and their underlying social difficulties (which never truly went away) might become more visible. Unfortunately, this can reinforce perceptions of immaturity – for example, a person might maintain an illusion of coping through school, only to “fall apart” in young adulthood when independence is expected, thus appearing to regress to a childlike state. In reality, that person needed support all along, but their masking obscured it.
On the flip side, it’s important to highlight that many autistic people don’t mask or cannot mask, especially those with higher support needs. They display their social and behavioral differences more openly. These individuals often get labeled as immature early on (since their differences are evident from childhood), but they are also spared the burden of living behind a mask. For them, the challenge is gaining acceptance and support in a world that can be judgmental of anyone who doesn’t act their age.
Trauma, Bullying and the Impact on Social Development
Many autistic individuals experience trauma, especially chronic social trauma, which can further skew their social development. Repeated negative social experiences – such as bullying, rejection, abuse, or isolation – are tragically common in the autistic population. Research indicates autistic people are significantly more likely to have adverse childhood experiences; for example, rates of bullying and interpersonal abuse are higher for autistic children than for neurotypical children . The result is that autistic people also have much higher rates of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms – studies estimate roughly 32–45% of autistic adults have probable PTSD, compared to about 4% in the general population . This is a striking statistic, and it speaks to the level of trauma many endure.
Trauma can freeze or delay aspects of development for anyone, autistic or not. In autistic individuals, trauma often centers around social experiences: being the outcast at school, never fitting in, being ridiculed for social missteps, or even outright physical assaults and abuse. These events can cause an autistic person to withdraw from social learning opportunities. For instance, a child who is mocked every time they attempt to join a game may simply stop trying. They then miss the chance to practice and learn social skills, falling further behind. A teen who is bullied might avoid their peers, so they don’t get the informal social education that happens in high school hallways, at parties, or on teams. This avoidance can carry into adulthood – some autistic adults have severe social anxiety or PTSD that makes them avoid new interactions, locking them into a limited social world that resembles that of a much younger person (e.g. only interacting with family or caregivers).
Additionally, trauma can cause regression or stalled emotional development. An autistic person who has been repeatedly hurt socially might be “stuck” at the developmental stage when those traumas occurred, in terms of trust and emotional openness. For example, an adult who endured intense bullying in middle school might still approach friendships with the wariness or simplicity of a child – perhaps trusting too easily in some situations (having missed subtle red flags) yet simultaneously carrying fear that makes them shy away from deeper connection. This mix of naïveté and fear can certainly come across as social immaturity.
Moreover, autistic individuals may have unique trauma triggers that further complicate social life. Changes in routine, sensory overload events, or misunderstandings can be internalized as traumatic (indeed, autistic people might even experience ordinary social-confusion events as deeply distressing). One researcher noted that autistic people found social difficulties and confusion – for example, chronic misunderstandings in communication – to be traumatic events in themselves . Thus, merely navigating a neurotypical social world can accumulate micro-traumas that reinforce an autistic person’s feeling that socializing is unsafe or bewildering. This understandably hampers their willingness and ability to progress socially in a typical way.
Finally, trauma intersects with mental health: depression or anxiety (common in autistic folks with trauma histories) can themselves cause behaviors that look like immaturity – such as emotional outbursts, dependency, or loss of previously acquired skills. A young adult on the spectrum who is coping with untreated PTSD might suddenly start having panic attacks like a much younger child would, or need a parent to speak for them, reinforcing outsiders’ perceptions that they aren’t “acting their age.” In summary, trauma adds an extra layer of challenge, often exaggerating developmental gaps and creating protective behaviors that can look like social/emotional delay.
Cultural Expectations and Perceptions of Immaturity
It is crucial to recognize that “immaturity” is a relative concept defined by cultural norms and expectations. Society has informal timelines for social milestones: for example, we expect children to play cooperatively by kindergarten, expect teenagers to date or handle peer group dynamics, and expect adults in their twenties to live independently, maintain a job, and perhaps start a family. Autistic individuals often do not follow these neurotypical timelines, which largely explains why they are perceived as lagging.
From a cultural standpoint, being an adult is often defined by achieving certain independent roles. Many autistic people, however, require ongoing support or simply take longer to attain independence in various domains. For instance, it’s not uncommon for an autistic young adult to still live with parents or need help with daily tasks well into their late 20s or beyond – something that Western society might incorrectly equate with being “childish” or not growing up. One autistic man shared that he didn’t start paid work until age 26, at which point he felt many peers were already advancing in their careers . He also noted seeing classmates get married and have children while he still lived at home and had never been in a relationship, making him feel “behind [his] peers” and worrying he’d “be the same forever” . This kind of experience is echoed by many on the spectrum: the usual rites of passage (first job, moving out, romantic partnerships) often happen years later for them, or sometimes not at all, due to their different developmental trajectory and support needs.
Another cultural factor is the nature of social interests and leisure activities. Autistic individuals might engage in hobbies or media preferences that seem unusual for their age. For example, an autistic teenager might still enjoy cartoons, toys, or games that their peers left behind in childhood, because those activities provide comfort and predictable enjoyment. In adulthood, some autistic people maintain intense interests (sometimes called “special interests”) in topics that may not align with what typical adults are expected to focus on. A 30-year-old autistic person might be passionately into train sets or collecting figurines, or they may struggle to engage in the kind of small talk about fashion or pop culture that same-age peers might expect. Consequently, neurotypical observers might label them as “childlike” in their interests. However, this is a matter of neurodiversity – finding joy and connection in different ways – rather than true childishness.
Communication style is another area where cultural expectations cause misperception. Many autistic people speak in a very blunt, honest manner, or converse in a pedantic, formal style. What a neurotypical culture might expect as social savvy – such as knowing when not to say something to avoid hurt feelings, or using trendy slang – might be absent. Instead, an autistic person may interact with the frank innocence of a child, unintentionally offending or amusing others. An example is an autistic adult earnestly infodumping about their favorite topic without noticing the listener’s boredom – behavior that might be tolerated in a child, but judged in an adult. This difference in social tact and self-awareness can lead to the impression that the autistic individual doesn’t “know how to act their age.”
It’s important to highlight the role of the “double empathy problem” in shaping these perceptions. The double empathy theory posits that communication issues between autistic and neurotypical people are a two-way street – each side struggles to understand the other – rather than autism being a one-sided deficit . Neurotypical society’s expectations are considered the norm, so when an autistic person doesn’t meet them, the blame falls entirely on the autistic person as being socially inept or immature. However, one could just as well say neurotypical people lack insight into autistic social cues and culture . For example, an autistic adult might be communicating their distress through subtle signals (like increased fidgeting) that other autistics would recognize, yet neurotypicals might ignore those and only notice when the person eventually has an outburst. In that scenario, the neurotypicals might conclude the person “suddenly acted like a tantruming child,” missing all the earlier communication. The double empathy perspective urges us to realize that labeling autistic behavior as immature often reflects a mismatch in communication styles and mutual understanding . It’s a cultural judgment, not an absolute truth.
In various cultures, independence and assertive social skills are highly valued in adulthood, whereas needing help or being socially reserved is stigmatized. This cultural lens can be harmful for autistic people. For instance, some cultures expect children to become fully independent at 18. An autistic young person of 18 who still needs daily living support might be unfairly seen as failing, even though they are doing their best. Autistic self-advocates note that pressuring autistics to fit neurotypical molds of “normal” adulthood (like forcing eye contact, or pushing into unsuited social activities) can cause more trauma . There is a growing movement to accept different life paths: for example, recognizing that interdependence (relying on support networks) can be just as valid for an autistic adult as “total independence” is for a neurotypical adult.
Finally, consider that autistic individuals often find friendship and connection in alternative ways. Someone who struggles with face-to-face interaction might flourish in online communities or with others who share their niche interests, even if those friends are geographically far or much older/younger. These relationships might not look traditional, but they fulfill social needs. Unfortunately, outsiders might still judge the autistic person for not having local friends their own age, again using a narrow cultural yardstick for social success.
In summary, cultural expectations around age-appropriate behavior significantly influence why autistics are seen as immature. When judged by neurotypical standards of timing, style, and interests, autistic people often fall outside the norm. This doesn’t mean they are emotionally or mentally younger; rather, they are developing on a different timeline and often operating under different social rules.
Lifespan Trajectory: Autism and Social Development at Different Ages
The profile of social differences in autism changes over the lifespan, but the gap relative to neurotypical peers is often present at every stage. The following table summarizes key differences in social development between autistic and non-autistic individuals from early childhood through adulthood:
| Developmental Stage | Autistic Social Development | Neurotypical Social Development |
|---|---|---|
| Early Childhood (Preschool) | Beginnings of social interaction – May show limited interest in peer play; often prefers solitary or parallel play (playing alongside rather than with others). Joint attention (sharing focus on objects) and pretend play might be delayed or atypical. Could appear aloof or “in their own world.” Emotional regulation is very limited; prone to sensory overload and meltdowns beyond the typical toddler age. Parents might notice a lack of pointing out things to share interest, less responsive to social cues like smiles or name-calling. | Rapid social learning – Shows interest in peers by toddlerhood, engages in simple interactive play by age 3–4 (e.g. peekaboo, pretend games). By preschool, many children play cooperatively and engage in imaginative play together. They seek adult approval and begin learning basic turn-taking. Emotionally, tantrums start to decrease in frequency/intensity as children develop simple self-soothing (with help). Joint attention (pointing to show, following gaze) is well established by 1–2 years, enabling shared experiences. |
| Middle Childhood (Elementary school) | Increasing awareness but still lagging – May desire friends but often struggles with the concept of reciprocity in friendship. Play might remain repetitive or focused on own interests; may prefer routines (e.g. playing the same game repeatedly) and have trouble with cooperative team play. Often interacts better with adults or much younger kids than with same-age peers (peers may have more complex social dynamics that are hard to navigate). Social naivety is common – may not pick up on teasing, sarcasm or social hierarchies, making them vulnerable to bullying. Emotionally, may still have frequent outbursts or need one-on-one adult support to resolve conflicts. Some autistic children improve in basic skills like sharing and following rules, but social-emotional age might be several years behind their chronological age. | Social complexity grows – By ages 6–12, children typically form friendships based on shared interests and loyalty. Play becomes more elaborate and cooperative (team sports, group projects, make-believe with evolving storylines). They start to understand others’ perspectives better (developing Theory of Mind around age 4–5 and refining it) which helps in resolving simple conflicts and showing empathy. Peer influence increases; children learn slang, social norms (like fairness, taking turns) and can generally follow them without constant adult intervention. Emotional regulation improves – grade-schoolers still get upset but can often use coping skills (talking it out, taking a break) learned with guidance. They increasingly handle routine social situations (classroom, playground) independently. |
| Adolescence (Teen years) | Widening gap in social complexity – Social demands leap in the teen years (dating, cliques, unspoken social rules), and autistic teens often struggle to keep up. They may have difficulty understanding teen social rituals (flirting, fashion trends, slang, peer pressure), leading to isolation or “loner” behavior. Some autistic teens prefer to socialize with adults or online where rules are clearer, while others might mimic peers (“mask”) to fit in, though at great mental effort. Executive function delays become more obvious: trouble with planning, organizing schoolwork, or handling the transition to greater independence can make them seem immature compared to increasingly self-sufficient peers. Emotionally, the hormonal changes of puberty can exacerbate anxiety and meltdowns. Autistic teens might rely on parents for support with tasks (homework, scheduling) that neurotypicals manage alone. They are also prone to being socially “blind” to subtle cues, which can result in missteps (e.g. not realizing when a peer is annoyed or when they should stop talking about a special interest). Thus, while neurotypical teens are learning to navigate complex peer relationships, autistic teens may still be grappling with fundamentals of social interaction, sometimes appearing more like pre-teens in their social-emotional understanding. | Social world expands – Typical teens deepen friendships and form close peer groups. They learn to adapt behavior to context (joking with friends vs. respectful with teachers). Romantic interests usually begin; teens practice dating and learn from social faux pas. They become more independent from parents, often managing school responsibilities, part-time jobs, and social calendars with minimal supervision. Executive functions improve significantly through adolescence – by late teens, many can plan, set goals, and handle daily life tasks (driving, part-time work) in preparation for adult roles. Emotionally, teens develop more advanced coping skills (though mood swings are normal); they start to self-regulate by using strategies like music, journaling, or seeking peer support. Social cognition reaches adult-like levels by around 16–18: most understand sarcasm, unspoken social rules, and can perspective-take almost as well as adults. While teens still have some impulsivity, they are expected to show emerging adult behavior in decision-making and self-control. |
| Young Adulthood (20s to early 30s) | Divergent paths – This period often highlights the contrast between autistic individuals based on support needs and masking ability. Those with high support needs (e.g. significant communication challenges or intellectual disability) might continue to require a structured environment similar to adolescence, with guardians or support staff helping with daily living and social opportunities. Their social interactions may remain at a simpler level (e.g. enjoying activities designed for much younger people, like watching children’s movies, or communicating in basic sentences), which can appear “forever childlike” to outsiders. High-masking autistic adults, on the other hand, might achieve outward milestones like college, employment, or marriage, yet internally they often feel out of their depth socially. They may struggle with the unspoken rules of the workplace, adult small talk, or the complexities of romantic relationships. Many autistic adults reach major life milestones later than average – for example, living independently in late 20s or 30s instead of late teens, or finding a first long-term relationship years after peers. This delay is not for lack of desire or intelligence, but due to the compounding of social, executive, and sensory challenges. Autistic adults might also have fewer social contacts than is typical for their age; a 25-year-old on the spectrum might have no close friends and rely mainly on family, which resembles the social network of a much younger person. Emotional support needs can remain high – some adults on the spectrum need a parent or mentor figure to help navigate decisions that neurotypical adults handle alone. All these factors contribute to the impression that an autistic person in their 20s is more like an adolescent in terms of social independence and understanding. It’s a time where many autistic individuals keenly feel “out of sync” with peers. | Consolidating adult roles – By the mid-20s, most neurotypical young adults have transitioned into the adult social world. They typically have experience with intimate relationships, and many establish long-term partnerships or start families in their late 20s or 30s. They have left the parental home or are on the way to doing so, managing finances, households, and careers with increasing autonomy. Socially, young adults often expand their networks – making friends through college, work, or community. They are expected to understand complex social norms (office politics, societal etiquette) and generally can do so, thanks to fully developed social cognition and executive function. Emotional regulation in a neurotypical 20-something is usually mature – while stress is common (launching a career, etc.), they can employ coping strategies without parental guidance. Essentially, by this stage neurotypical individuals are treated and largely function as independent adults in society. They’re also capable of reflective empathy and nuanced communication, having honed these through years of diverse social experiences in adolescence. |
| Middle Adulthood (40s–50s) (and beyond) | Continuing differences and possible convergence – For autistic individuals who received support and understanding, some social gaps may narrow in mid-life. By their 40s or 50s, many have accumulated enough life experience to navigate certain social situations more comfortably (sometimes noting that they “feel like finally, others my age are catching up to me” in terms of being less judgmental or socially superficial). However, core autistic traits persist. Those with high support needs in middle adulthood often still engage in activities and routines similar to their younger years, and may always need a caregiver’s assistance – effectively maintaining a childlike dependency throughout the lifespan. Autistic adults without intellectual disabilities might achieve stability in work and living situation by this age but could still have a narrow social circle or struggle with changes that others handle (e.g. job transitions, children’s evolving needs). Cumulatively, decades of masking or social misfires might lead some to withdraw from social ambitions, focusing on solitary interests or online communities where their social differences are less salient. Culturally, an autistic person in middle adulthood might be perceived as eccentric or reclusive rather than immature per se – the “immaturity” label often diminishes with age as all adults become more diverse in life paths. Still, some autistic individuals report that their interests and emotional outlook remain youthful compared to peers (for example, preferring routines and hobbies from their earlier years rather than typical mid-life pursuits). If burnout occurred earlier, mid-life may be a period of reassessment and unmasking, with the person embracing their authentic self, even if that self doesn’t meet conventional adult norms. | Diverse adult roles – By middle adulthood, neurotypical individuals’ lives vary widely, but generally they have a firm sense of self and competence in social domains. Many are focused on career peak or family life (raising children, etc.), requiring complex social juggling (parent–teacher interactions, workplace leadership, community involvement). The social skills of a neurotypical 45-year-old are usually finely tuned from decades of practice – they can read subtle cues (a boss’s hint, a spouse’s unspoken mood) and respond appropriately. They also mentor younger people in social and professional settings. Emotional regulation is typically solid; mid-life adults handle crises (illness, job loss) with coping strategies built over years. As people age, society becomes more accepting of individual quirks, and “acting youthful” at 50 is not judged the same as it would be at 20. Thus, any slight social awkwardness in a neurotypical middle-aged person is often attributed to personality rather than immaturity. By this stage, most neurotypicals have a breadth of social experience (friendships maintained over decades, colleagues, extended family) that provides a reservoir of social knowledge to draw on. |
Table: Key differences in social development between autistic and neurotypical individuals across life stages. Autistic development is highly individual, so not every person will fit this table; however, in general autistic people tend to achieve social-emotional milestones later and in a different order than neurotypical people, leading to frequent misperceptions of immaturity.
Conclusion: Understanding and Embracing Different Developmental Paths
In answering why autistic individuals are often perceived as socially immature, we find no single cause but a tapestry of interwoven factors. Neurologically, autistic brains follow a different developmental clock, especially in circuits governing social interaction and executive control, leading to delays in intuitive social understanding. Psychologically, differences in social cognition (like theory of mind) and emotional regulation mean that autistic people often navigate the social world with the toolkit of someone much younger – at least by neurotypical standards – even as they may excel in other areas. Developmental science shows that while neurotypical social skills unfold in a fairly predictable sequence, autistic social development is more idiosyncratic, often requiring explicit learning and more time.
This investigation also highlights that perception is key. The label of immaturity is largely a value judgment against neurotypical yardsticks. Autistic individuals have their own unique developmental trajectory. Many eventually acquire the social skills they need, just on a delayed timeline; others find alternative ways to live fulfilling lives that don’t require conforming to every neurotypical social norm. Understanding phenomena like masking and the double empathy problem reminds us that what might look like childishness could actually be an autistic person trying their utmost to meet a world that isn’t accommodating them . Likewise, behaviors resulting from anxiety or sensory overload should elicit compassion rather than judgment about maturity .
Across all levels of support needs – from a non-speaking autistic adult who enjoys Disney movies and needs help with daily care, to a so-called “high-functioning” autistic professional who goes home and plays with Lego to decompress – autistic people often retain a refreshing, sincere, and open quality that might come off as youthful. Many in the community view this not as a deficit but as part of autistic authenticity. One autistic individual noted how others would sometimes find their quirky, youthful demeanor funny or endearing, while less understanding people would bully them for it . This captures the crux: societal response shapes whether “being behind” is experienced as a negative shame or just a different way of growing.
In practice, recognizing the reasons behind the perceived social immaturity can improve support and outcomes. Parents, educators, and peers who understand that an autistic teen’s emotional outburst is not willful misbehavior but a regulation issue can respond with patience and tools to help, rather than punishment. Therapists and developmental specialists can target areas like executive functioning and social skills with interventions (while respecting neurodiversity), potentially accelerating development in those domains. Autistic adults themselves, when aware of these dynamics, often find solace in knowing they are not alone – many describe finally forgiving themselves for “lagging behind” after learning how different their developmental journey is.
Crucially, society can adjust its expectations. Just as we don’t fault a toddler for not being potty-trained before they’re ready, we shouldn’t fault an autistic young adult for not mastering social nuances by 18. Increasing acceptance – for example, allowing an autistic person in their 30s to live at home without stigma, or valuing an autistic employee’s technical skills without harshly judging their social quirks – can remove the pressure that forces unhealthy masking. When autistic individuals are allowed to grow at their own pace with support, many do achieve greater social understanding and comfort in their own way and time.
In conclusion, autistic people are often seen as socially immature because they traverse a different developmental path – one that is affected by neurological wiring, cognitive processing differences, and often hindered by adverse social experiences. This does not make them any less human or their experiences any less valid. By listening to autistic voices and observing scientific insights, it becomes clear that what looks like a delay is frequently just a difference. With empathy, accommodation, and patience, neurotypical society can recalibrate its interpretation: instead of perceiving an autistic person as “decades behind,” we can recognize them as developing on a timeline that suits their brain – one that may ultimately lead to a unique and valuable form of sociality that enriches human diversity.
Sources:
- Peterson, C.C., Slaughter, V.P., & Paynter, J. (2007). Social maturity and theory of mind in typically developing children and those on the autism spectrum. J. Child Psychol. Psychiatry, 48(12), 1243-1250 . (Study showing autistic children lag behind peers in theory of mind and social maturity; Asperger’s children did well on ToM tests but still had delayed social skills).
- Sasson, N.J., Morrison, K.E., et al. (2020). Social Cognition, Social Skill, and Social Motivation in Autistic and Non-Autistic Adults. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 591100 . (Found autistic adults scored lower on social cognition measures, had less normative social skills and social motivation, aligning with prior research).
- Fishman, I. et al. (2014). Brain network maturity in adolescents with autism: JAMA Psychiatry (reported in The Daily Aztec) . (Brain imaging study: autistic adolescents showed less mature, less efficient brain circuit connectivity, correlating with autism symptoms and suggesting delayed neural development).
- Rosenthal, M. et al. (2013). Executive functioning in teens with ASD. (Summarized by Kennedy Krieger Institute) . (Research indicating autistic teens develop executive skills like flexibility and organization more slowly, widening the functional gap in adolescence).
- Rumball, F. (2022). Post-traumatic stress disorder in autistic people. Autism Practice (NAS) . (Review noting autistic individuals have far higher rates of trauma and PTSD, often due to bullying and abuse, and may have unique trauma triggers like social confusion).
- Mazefsky, C. et al. (2013). Emotion regulation in Autism Spectrum Disorder. Child and Adolescent Psych Clinics, 22(2), 135-+. (Review) . (Highlights emotion regulation deficits in ASD, where youth react with extreme outbursts – “meltdowns” – and lack adaptive coping, which can be misconstrued as behavioral problems).
- Lai, M.C., Hull, L., Mandy, W. (2017). Camouflaging in Autism: The mask and its consequences. Autism, 24(8), 2071-2081. (Not directly quoted above, but foundational work defining masking/camouflaging as strategies to appear neurotypical, linked to poor mental health outcomes).
- Milton, D. (2012/2020). The Double Empathy Problem. (Theory article and summaries) . (Proposes that the social communication gap between autistic and non-autistic people is mutual, challenging the idea that autistic people are solely deficient – an important context for reframing “immaturity” as difference).
- First-person accounts and community insights: e.g. Wrong Planet forum discussion on feeling “behind” peers , and anecdotal reflections on uneven development . These illustrate the lived experience behind the research – many autistic individuals feel socially younger or out-of-sync, describing starting milestones later and being bullied or misunderstood because of it.